Have Mercy On Your Subjects, Oh King!

Your Worshipful Majesty, the only king that knows how to get whatsoever he desires; I am on the dust groveling for you. May you live and rule forever! Anytime I think of you, I remember the audacity of courage and determination; that made you unstoppable. I remember how enemies of this kingdom tried to stop you from taking the throne even when they all knew it was your turn; the throne of your fore fathers, your ancestors. Yes, the gang up was massive, with obstacles and barricades all over the place but in all these things, you forged ahead and today, you are more than many conquerors. Your worshipful King, the gods are with you.
Eeeem eemmm, hold it there! Did I hear you call me a forger? A whole me, the mighty and unchallengeable king of the biggest and strongest kingdom in Africa? Have you not heard about me or do you want to tell me that your mind is made of stone? What did I forge and what am I forging? A head? Whose head? How dare you utter such blasphemy with that your perverted tongue? Who sent you to disturb my peace and enjoyment this early morning? I was meditating and having a quiet time with the ancestors and all the gods and deities of this land when you called. What gave you the audacity, the impetus, the temerity to insult me by calling me a forger? It’s obvious you are tired of this your life. I think I have to firstly send a psychiatrist general to examine your tongue and brain before I decide what to do with your head, you son of a bitch. You will soon hear from me …guards; guarrrrrds!
Your Majesty, if I have mistakenly said anything that is unpleasant to your ears, I’m very sorry. You are the Kabiyesi General; how can any mortal contemplate calling you a forger? Even if I sniff all the powder in all the storehouses in your kingdom, they can’t push me to call you a forger. Haba! Do I want to die? Who in this clime does not know that you have absolute power to do and undo? You are the only lion from the tribe of budillion. We worship you. We respect and obey you. Everybody, including myself knows the consequences of blaspheming against a lion king like you. I come in peace.
You come in peace? And you are calling me a liar by saying that you did not call me a forger? Or do you think I am like the former king who was earless? How dare you? By the way, what do you mean by all the powder in my storehouses? Are you also trying to call me a drug keeper? What powder can push somebody to do something against his will if not coko drug? First, you called me a forger, and now you just called me a liar, an earless king and a coko keeper. I hope you are counting your charges, your crimes against my kingdom. You will surely pay for these blasphemies. Lying against a king is a blasphemy. Calling me a liar is even worse. Oh! How I wish you understand the magnitude of the predicaments you are roping yourself into. I hate to hear that word, forge or forging. It reminds me of those days some disrespectful elements tried to take away my crown. That word continued to reverberate both within this kingdom and beyond. They said I forged myself, my mother and my father. Some said I forged my age, my certificate, my nationality, the schools I attended, and all that. I ignored all those nonsensical accusations because, as you know, I am a man of peace. I did not want to punish anybody because of that. The only thing I did was to hand them over to my supreme court to judge them. And my supreme court did a yeoman’s job and exonerated me. May Allah bless my supreme court for coming to my rescue. Since the judgment, that word seemed to have been removed and outlawed from this kingdom until you brought it up again by saying that I forged a head. Whose head did I even forge?
Your Worshipful King, the Emperor of our time, woe betide my ancestors if I called you a liar or if I lied against you. Woe betide my enemies also if I called you a forger or if I said you forged any person’s head. Who am I to do that? A king that everybody fears; a conquering lion of the tribe of budillion?
Are you still saying that you didn’t call me a forger yet, you said I forged ahead despite all odds. How can you explain that or are you high on something? How else can you call me a liar if that does not mean that I lied?
Oh! Oh! Oohh! I now understand where the confusion is coming from. When I said you forged ahead, it does not mean that you are a forger, not to talk of being a forger of heads. I simply mean that you moved on and reached your destination successfully despite all odds. You bulldozed your way to the throne of your ancestors. Yes, you did. And it all ended in your glory.
Emmmm eemmmm, is that what you really mean? I hope you are not playing pranks, trying to play on my superior intelligence. Bear in mind that you have been placed on a watching list. So, you have to be extremely careful how you use your tongue before it lands you into big troubles. Now, tell me, why did you call and who are you? What favour do you want from me? Contracts, appointment, recognition, connections, recommendation, money? Start talking and be fast about that.
None of the above, oh King. I come on behalf of a section of your subjects; they gave me a prayer request inside a mail box to deliver to you. I feel for them because of what they are passing through.
Prayer request in a mail box? So, it’s Ukpablow that sent you? What does he want that he is sending prayer request to my mail box? Who told him I need anything from him? God forbid. Does he want to tarnish my sparkling image by trying to rope me into that their prayer request issue? Tell him I’m not interested; they can’t find me. I don’t want to see any prayer request in my mail box; I’m not part of them. If they are looking for who to corrupt, tell them to look elsewhere. I am incorruptible.
Sorry, Your Majesty, I did not say anything. I was only thinking and wondering aloud. I was wondering how to make you understand that I have nothing to do with this Ukpablow that you talked about. Maybe your conscience was telling you something.
My whaat? Corns, I am all alone here and nobody, I say, nothing dares interfere when I’m discussing. Who even told you I have corns, agbado here? And even if I do, do corns or agbados speak in that part of the world where you are calling from?
Sorry, Your Majesty, I did not say corn, I said conscience!
By the way, you said you were not sent to me by that prayer request Ukpablow; so, who sent you??
Your subjects, Sir, your suffering and smiling subjects are the reason for this conversation.
I don’t understand. How can my subjects be suffering when they are smiling? Did they tell you that they are suffering and smiling at the same time or are you trying to be humorous? Suffering people don’t smile in case you don’t know. Moreover, my subjects cannot suffer; not when I’m on the throne. I’m a very caring, considerate, empathic, compassionate, philanthropic and generous king. I do all humanly possible to make my subjects happy. That is why you always hear them singing my praises. Some of them were even with me throughout last night, wining, dining, singing and dancing and thanking their gods for making me their king. They even composed and sang several songs in my name, such as ‘On your mandate, on your mandate, on your mandate we all stand’…’Jagaban’. Oh, I love my subjects and my subjects love me.
Chai! Your Majesty, those who sing for you and wine and dance with you must be those dogs that hover around your golden dining table looking for pieces of bones and crumbs that will fall from your table. They are singing not because they are happy and satisfied, but because they are hungry. They are also afraid of falling into the pit of poverty. They know that you love and savour sycophancy, so they have chosen sycophancy as a career for the sake of survival.
How dare you say that I love Sisi Kofans? Who is she that I will love her when I have a lovely and very beautiful wife? I love my wife, I love my people and I love my kingdom. I have nothing to do with the so-called Sisi Kofans, whoever she is. I take serious exception to this false allegation against me. I, I …
Your Majesty, the traders are merely responding to your economic policies. It is the policies that you roll out that are responsible for the hardship and suffering your subjects are passing through. So ooo…
So what? Do I look like a police? If police is the problem, why not face the Inspector General of Police and tell him to call his men to order? Don’t you think that you are knocking on a wrong door?
No, Your Majesty, I didn’t knock on a wrong door. As the king in charge of this kingdom, the solutions to the economic crises bedeviling the kingdom are in your hands. It is bad policies which you injected into the system that created the hardships; if you inject good policies, the system will become healthy again. By the way, I did not say police, but policies. As a matter of fact, your subjects are of the opinion that you purposely created the problems by taking away their subsidies. They are therefore pleading that you should look upon them with pity and return their subsidies which you took away.
Their subcities? Are you accusing me of stealing? Why should I take an ordinary subcity when I am the owner of this big kingdom with all the cities in it? You know that I don’t touch what does not belong to me; that’s why I have been progressing. By the way, did they tell you how and when I took their so=called subcity? Was it in a dream?
It was not in any dream. They said you grabbed it, snatched it and ran away with it.
Ohhhh! Now I understand what you are trying to say. You must be talking of my crown. That was the only thing I pursued, grabbed, snatched and ran away with. Perhaps, if I did not do it that way, enemies of this kingdom would have denied us the throne of our forefathers even when they knew it was my turn to sit on the throne. And of course, the good and purposeful leadership which I represent would have eluded this kingdom. You know, one bird once said that since hunters learnt to shoot without missing, it learnt to fly without perching. At the end, I was happy that I snatched it; so were my ancestors.
Your Majesty, this is not about the crown which you grabbed, but about the thing you did on the very first day that crown was placed on your empty head. And that singular action is the major reason this kingdom has become a land of suffering for your subjects. I’m talking about the fuel subsidy which you took away. It is the price paid by the rulers of this kingdom in order to make the price of fuel affordable for the citizens, sorry, your subjects. Since you took that subsidy away, things have never been the same again; there is hunger and hardship all over the kingdom. Weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth have become the order of the day.
A bag of rice that people used to buy with just N8000 is now about N80,000 and more; egg is now N200; a standard loaf of bread is about N1,900; garri is about N400 a cup, and prices keep increasing uncontrollably. All these things started since you took away the fuel subsidy and pushed the price of petrol to N700 per litre. Your Majesty, my stomach is on the ground. Please have mercy on your subjects and bring back their subsidy.
Ohhhh! You are talking about fuel subsidy? Like seriously? I know you are not supposed to understand the issues weaved around the subsidy arrangement. Anyway, I removed it; I mean, I pronounced that I would remove it because it was a very wise step to take to rescue the economy of this kingdom from the suffocating grips of vampires. I found out that fuel subsidy has never been of any benefit to my people. It only provided an avenue for criminals to be sucking the kingdom dry. I don’t know why anybody will be telling me to bring back the subsidy; it is like telling me to bring back a cancerous ailment after it was removed from a victim. Those who are still talking about bringing back the parasite called fuel subsidy are just trying to advertise their ignorance. Those who know how bad that subsidy is have been hailing me for declaring it persona non grata in this kingdom.
But Your Majesty, if the subsidy is as bad as you want the world to believe, how come your subjects were better off living with it than when you took it away from them? How come the removal of the subsidy has brought so much pains, agonies, woes, suffering and gnashing of teeth to your subjects?
Are you asking me questions? Look, I am the king, I know what is best for my people, If I say, subsidy is bad, then, it is bad. Nobody can change it. I have tampered with that troublesome subsidy in the interest of my people. Those who are grumbling must be those that feed fat on the subsidy corruption. As for my people, I’m sure they are not complaining. Remember that I gave them palliatives, I gave them cash, I gave them food items; I also gave them buses and trains for free transportation. So, why should anybody complain, murmur or grumble?
Your Majesty, I wish you can just step out of the paradise where you are just to feel the pulse of the hell where your subjects dwell, perhaps, you will understand better the havoc that your singular action of taking away the subsidy has caused in the kingdom. If after sharing all those things you said you shared, including free money, free food, free buses and people are still wallowing in the pit of extreme suffering, I suggest that you should really have to listen to the yearnings of the masses.
What are you trying to say? Who are you to tell me how to rule my kingdom? What do you know? And what can you see with your poverty stricken eyes?
Who am I to tell the king how to rule? God forbid. I’m only pleading that you should have mercy on your subjects, oh King. It is as if you are on a vengeance mission to punish them for reasons best known to you.
I can’t take your insult anymore. Guarrrrd, guaaaaard! …..